The Future Looks...Changeable

Wow...my mother just told me that I'll never be able to finish or publish the novel I'm working on b/c "following through with things" isn't my strong suit. That hurt. I mean, not really hurt, but it bothers me b/c I know she is right. I'll probably never finish the novel I'm working on b/c it always just feels like there's more time. And too much to do w/ the time that's right now. Well, today is Saturday and I have no plans. Not one thing scheduled w/ friends or family and I'm seriously contemplating locking myself here in the computer room (w/ my cowboy hat on of course) and working on my novel all day. B/c it's something worth fighting for. I don't know if I have the talent. I don't know if I'd be sucessful as a writer, but I sure as heck know that I'll regret if I just don't try hard enough. If I just don't make the time. I mean, I think I'd be happy being a lawyer or an accountant or something structured like that, but who would rather do that than write all day? I can't imagine it. So, here goes w/ my novel. Wish me luck.

" A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it."

" They who know how to employ opportunities will often find that they can create them; and what we can achieve depends less on the amount of time we possess than on the use we make of our time."

" Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one's liberty."

" Failure is the result of poor thinking and poor choices. The only things that can truly stop you from success are your own thoughts and emotions."

" Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself and yourself alone one question: Does this path have a heart? If the path does, it is good. If not, it is of no use."

" Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."

" Never let anyone dictate the places you can go or the things you can do because of a previous association. Learn to deal with the fear of uncomfortable situations. Once people learn that you will continue to live your life, instead of live in fear of a moment, that is when you become human."

Mock Trial

So...we did this whole mock trial first round of regionals thing yesterday. And won by 30 points! That's a huge deal! And I killed! Not that I need any more ego boosts, but I was amazingly good for less than 24 hours of practice. And it felt really good to be back in the courtroom. Andy thinks I should be a lawyer. Anyway, just wanted to share that bit w/ all of you!

Taking the Time

Is it about taking the time? I wonder. I mean, I'm green so it's already something of a challenge to really relate to people on that emotinal level b/c I'm not a person who really outwardly shows her emotions, but I've been thinking lately that the point I'm really missing is the time. It's great to be with people at assigned dates and times but you become 100 times closer to them 100 times faster when you just call them up and are like, "hey, I'm not doing anything on Tuesday night, want to go get dinner?" or something like that. And that's something of uncharted territory for me. I don't know. I'm going to explore this later, but I have to go deal w/ all my Mock Trial fiasco stuff right now. -Katie

I'm a Crazy Country Nut

Some call it country with a little bit of rhythm and blues
And when the boys start rockin'
There's a beat that you just can't lose
Where it's gonna take us nobody knows
It sure feels good to the body and soul

I love the slide of a steel guitar
I love the moan of an old blues harp
I love the shake of a tamborine
I love the bass when it's low and mean
So put on your shoutin' shoes
And turn it loose
Turn it loose

You feel like dancin' and you just can't stay in your seat
Your knees start knockin' and you can't help stompin' your feet
Before you even know it you'll be singin' along
Makes me wanna stay here all night long

Instead of My Essay

Yeah, I'm supposed to be working on this Econ essay that Andy just reminded me is due for tomorrow, which I hadn't started, but now I'm here. This is more fun.

Rude v. Having a mind of your own. I wonder sometimes if we've gotten so deep into this whole respecting the opinions of others thing that we're sacrificing our own. For example--what I say in this blog. I mean, when I'm writing, I'm usually going w/ whatever is coming into my head. Being a green, I tend to believe that b/c it came into my head it is correct. So I go w/ it. I agree w/ myself. I probably don't consider all the valid arguments against what I think. Then, when someone reads it and says something to me about it, I always ahve this urge to says something to the effect of "oh, don't take it too seriously, i wasn't really thinking about it, i'm not saying it's write, i kind of think that"--YUCK!!!!! I caught myself wanting to do that just now and I could just hear myself saying...well, to myself..."damn it, do you think this or not" -- regardless of waht whoever I'm talking to thinks. I mean, come on...do you have an opinion or do you want someone else to give it to you.

Okay, here's another classic example. I just wrote that whole little thing on at least taking a side, a position and seeing if you really believe it. Come to some conclusion instead of sitting on the fence. I follow that up w/ this quote, which puts me safely back on the fence. I'm not sure if what I say here can be held as my exact opinon b/c it's unexamined. I'm literally making this up as I go along. I'm just talking. There's a quote that says something to the effect that talking is just the halfway point btwn thinking and taking action and is unfortunately confused for doing either.

I'll leave you w/ that and get back to Econ--Katie

When I was walking up the stairs
I saw a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish, he'd go away
-Identity

Drama, Drama, Drama

I think I've used that title before so this might be like part 2 or something.

I hate drama. I'm not usually into all that he said she said and they think game. But it also sucks to be on the outside. I don't know if ppl don't drag me into the networks of secrets b/c they know I'm not all into the drama, b/c I'm not cool enough or b/c it's none of my business, but it bothers me sometimes. I don't know...it's like ppl expect everyone to pay attention to them all the time. Frankly, Saturday night was depressing. All the secrets and text messaging each other and talking about who thought what about whom or who and who weren't speaking and who did this or that...or rather, a few key people talking about it the entire time we were together...left the rest of us out and I was like, this is so lame. It's okay though b/c I get it that ppl have their own stuff to deal w/ they don't have to always take into account what other pply might htink or feel and I was probably being petty b/c I was in a bad mood at the time already a little...whatever. Basically, I'm just saying that I think that you miss out on ppl's depth/problems b/c you refuse to get caught up in their drama--there's no excahnge of human vulnerailites b/c you don't expose any of your own--no security in the fact that you've both been dramatic and overreacting w/ each other before if you never get really dramatic.

People underestimate one another. They assume ppl want to get all caught up in their drama. Some ppl pout/ignore/turn their backs on ppl when they're unhappy w/ them and they seem to think that the other person just stands there staring at their back and thinking about how they must be mad, how can they fix the relationship, etc. They think the person keeps on focusing on them. But sometimes ppl move on w/ their lives. Sometimes they keep moving and you have to get over yourself if you want to catch up w/ them again. Whatever, that was random...G'night all, Katie

Talking w/o Saying ANYTHING

What is w/ ppl and relationships? I mean, we spend more time thinking about trying to form relationships than we do forming them. And the whole text messaging/IMing/blogging thing is great but it isn't a replacement for talkig w/ someone. And not in a big group. I want to talk to people face to face. One on one. I feel bad for not inviting everyone to everything b/c I feel bad when ppl go do stuff w/o me all the time, but you really have to. Like Sina and I went to the mall the other day and it was fun. I mean, we weren't really doing anything, but we had a good time just being together and I think we got to know each other ten times more in that period of time one on one than if we'd been in a large group for ten times that length of time.

I mean, there are tons of examples--you really can't get to know someone in a meaning full relationship (i'm not talking only romantic relationship, friends too) w/o spending time w/ them one on one. Everyone in a group takes on a role and ppl tend not to deviate too much from that, but they're only showing one little facet of their personality so you never get to know the real person unless you actually talk to them one on one. Ex. My friend, we'll call him John (as in Doe), is funny. He's fun to be w/. But there's more to him than that. I know there is. But I don't know what that is b/c I never see him w/o thirty other ppl. Ex.2. My other friend, we'll call her Jane (as in...you guessed it...Doe, lol), is always the popular, flirty, blond. I think there's more to her, but we don't spend time together so I'm not sure. And she's the one who it's dangerous to hang out w/ b/c if I'm wrong and she's just so...vapid...then she'll just screw w/ me.

Jealousy

I never thought of myself as a jealous person before. I mean, everyone feels that little twist in your stomach or the slight homicidal haze that seems to decend when someone beautiful and perfect and loaded w/ pheromones is hanging all over your guy/girl, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I was thinking in church today that we talk about greed a lot in relation to American/world society, but we're usually thinking monetary greed. We're like "greed is so bad" etc. etc. etc. and then I thought that greed isn't just money. It's time and attention too.

Then I started really thinking about it and watching ppl and it makes so much sense. People all want to be the center of the group/universe. Everyone wants to be sitting in the spotlight w/ the crowd exclaiming over how pretty/smart/beautiful they are. Who wouldn't? That's the kind of jealousy I'm talking about. When you feel like someone is hogging everyone's attention. When you feel like you don't matter, like you might as well be alone w/in this group of ppl. Like there's this bubble of silence surrounding you w/in this group and all their noise. And then all of a sudden it all looks like noise, sounds like noise. Like some kind of bizarre social ritual. It's not fun anymore. And it makes no sense. Anyway, that got a little off track. I'm just sayin that people all want to be in the spotlight w/ an audience (btw, ppl of the opp. sex count triple) and lately I've felt wonderful w/ my social groups but I think it was b/c I felt like I was surrounded by ppl who knew me, but I realized taht it was b/c i thought i was surrounded by people who were focused on me. Then when the focuse started to shift all of a sudden i felt deflated and like these people couldn't possibly know me or they'd know that i feel like crap. why wasn't this meshing like it was supposed to? then i realized that i was jealous of the people that were being focused on now. I realized that I was jealous of the ones who are always being focused on. I was just jealous in general. Anyway, that lasted for about 24 hours and it sucked. It was like I couldn't help but be that petty.

So, here I am, my own personal spotlight-greedy anonymous (although, i guess this isn't anonymous). I'm not sure how i'm going to address this.