Jealousy

I never thought of myself as a jealous person before. I mean, everyone feels that little twist in your stomach or the slight homicidal haze that seems to decend when someone beautiful and perfect and loaded w/ pheromones is hanging all over your guy/girl, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I was thinking in church today that we talk about greed a lot in relation to American/world society, but we're usually thinking monetary greed. We're like "greed is so bad" etc. etc. etc. and then I thought that greed isn't just money. It's time and attention too.

Then I started really thinking about it and watching ppl and it makes so much sense. People all want to be the center of the group/universe. Everyone wants to be sitting in the spotlight w/ the crowd exclaiming over how pretty/smart/beautiful they are. Who wouldn't? That's the kind of jealousy I'm talking about. When you feel like someone is hogging everyone's attention. When you feel like you don't matter, like you might as well be alone w/in this group of ppl. Like there's this bubble of silence surrounding you w/in this group and all their noise. And then all of a sudden it all looks like noise, sounds like noise. Like some kind of bizarre social ritual. It's not fun anymore. And it makes no sense. Anyway, that got a little off track. I'm just sayin that people all want to be in the spotlight w/ an audience (btw, ppl of the opp. sex count triple) and lately I've felt wonderful w/ my social groups but I think it was b/c I felt like I was surrounded by ppl who knew me, but I realized taht it was b/c i thought i was surrounded by people who were focused on me. Then when the focuse started to shift all of a sudden i felt deflated and like these people couldn't possibly know me or they'd know that i feel like crap. why wasn't this meshing like it was supposed to? then i realized that i was jealous of the people that were being focused on now. I realized that I was jealous of the ones who are always being focused on. I was just jealous in general. Anyway, that lasted for about 24 hours and it sucked. It was like I couldn't help but be that petty.

So, here I am, my own personal spotlight-greedy anonymous (although, i guess this isn't anonymous). I'm not sure how i'm going to address this.