When I said, "I love you, baby," you said, "knock on wood." I guess I knocked harder than I probably should.

Grabbed this personality test off of a friends site. Then made up one of my own. Illustrates a point to me. Stop being who you are--quantifiable, predictable, etc...and be who you think you are. Obviously, I didn't do a real accurate and/or detailed job w/ my little mock test (the second one...but it's to illustrate a point...don't know if it does, but that was the intention).

Global Personality Test Results

Sensate (30%) low which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, unemotional but possibly too unobservant of your feelings. Perfectionist (63%) moderately high which suggests you are organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun. Extrovert (63%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded.

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Mental Personality Test Results

Intelligence (80%) high which suggests you are focused on reality, like things to work in a logical manner, and see yourself as helping them do so. Judging (20%) low which suggests you are tolerant of people's diversity without letting them get away with being assholes personally. Creative (50%) moderate which suggests you are able to see possiblities that still have practical applications.

The day goes off like a rifle

Sitting here, thinking. Wish I were somewhere else. More than that I wish I didn't wish I were somewhere else. I wish I could enjoy my last few weeks here. I wish I had afforded myself the luxury of using them to get my head on straight and my life in order. In some ways, this is a huge opportunity. It's like the first day of Freshman year all over again--everyone thinks it's a big deal and they're wrong. It isn't a chance for a new beginning with the world, but it is a chance for a new beginning with yourself. I think people block themselves in. We oversimplify in a way that complicates things. We make the world and it's opinion so important we put our own opinions of ourselves on the back burner until we wake up one day and sense this opporutnity to rectify a wrong you've been doing to yourself without ever really acknowledging it. I'm not the same person in my head as I am in real life. I know that in an academic kind of way, but I feel like I am that person...in my head...why should me head change and not the rest of me. Oh well, I'm a procrastinator and that's screwing things up. Yeah, that's easy to say. What I should say is...Oh well, I'm being lazy and I'm screwing things up. That's what the person in my head would say to herself. Don't believe the bullshit you tell yourself. If someone's opinion matters...make it someone who matters...like yourself.
 
"Don't put much faith in winners
They're liars through and through
Winners play the angles
They'll swear they never lose"

I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life.

Her Favorite Color Is Crome

Today was a terrible day. One of those ones where you seem to move through jello or something b/c you can see everything happening and nothing happenign all at once. It should have been a good day--went w/ Dad and got my new laptop for school in the fall. I'm excited about school. But people are sucking up all my energy. I'm past the point of freaking out about leaving for school. I mean, I expect to freak out a little at the end, but for the most part I'm focusing on finishing out the summer w/o killing myself over how many hours I need to work to do this, that or the other thing. Now we're into the uncharted waters of Mom and Dad freaking out. And they're freaking out for sure. Mom practically yelled at me about how I couldn't take my laptop into my room because then I'd disappear there for the rest of the summer and they wouldn't see me again. It was almost surreal b/c I was watching her and I felt angry because that's such a totally irrational argument and/or demand and at the same time I watched her say it to me and she had this who attitude like she wanted to fight about it. It was like watching a kid stick out their chin when they know someone is itching to land a punch. But I didn't argue b/c I could see the fear behind it. In some strange, insidious way the anxiety over my leaving in the fall is sneaking into them and it's making Mom irrational to the point where I don't want to be around her sometimes. I know they're paying for school so they have that influence over me and my actions but it's like they expect to continue to exert the same amount of control over me as they do now. That's just bullshit and I'm not going to freak out on them about it if I can hold onto my sanity for the rest of the summer but I'm not sure they're going to snap out of it just because I leave. They're making this a lot harder than it has to be and it's making it feel like I can't breathe sometimes because I know they're just acting like this b/c they're scared and this is uncharted territory for them but I'm afraid I'm going to end up resenting them in the end. Well, a nice depressing thought for you all. Goodnight.