Friday Night

Yeah, so it's Friday night, my friends are all out, my family went to the fair without me, I get off of work at 9pm and now I'm here...at home...on my computer...that's depressing. I'm such a huge wimp when it comes to actually calling ppl and making plans to do something because the whole time I have this little voice in the back of my head that says that whoever I'm talking to is really thinking something along the lines of "Man, this is totally not who I wanted to spend time with tonight" in the back of their head. Irrational fear of rejection, doesn't help my social life. Oh well, nobody's perfect I guess.

Onward to more....well, I'd say interesting but that could be a lie...we'll say, different topics. I may be switching jobs. For those of you who don't know, I do market research surveys and recruiting for focus groups over the phone currently. Pays well, I get to pick my hours, isn't brain surgery, but it can be excruciatingly dull and you really have to approach it with a positive attitude or it's like pulling teeth. On the other hand, I've been volunteering for Seeing Hands this past summer, which is a nonprofit organization this lady, Karen, started that makes childrens books with braille pages so that seeing parents can read along with their blind childrean. It's really helps them learn to read. Well Karen just got a big grant that let's her hire some employees and the business is really taking off and there's tons of work to do. She offered to match the hours and pay I'm planning on having at ISG during the school year. I'd be editing and proofreading braille before it gets embossed. I'd get to schedule myself, listen to music or whatever while I work, I really like the ppl I'd be working with and there is a real sense of purpose and comradere you get from working there. I'm seriously conscidering what I should do.

Btw, I'm totally conscidering getting the audio blog service, which gives you twelve, two-minute blogs a month for $3...listen to my test audioblog below, which really doesn't talk about anything, and tell me if you think it's a good idea or not. Compulsivwriter6@airpost.net

Okay, well, I'll let you all get back to your fun Friday nights ::melodramatic sigh:: ... Lol, later all, Katie

ON STAGE

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players - Shakespeare. Well, Shakespeare had it right. People do try to put on a show for the world. We dress up in our costumes and say what we think is appropriate, the lines society has written for us falling gracefully from our lips, never questioning who writes these lines we so naturally repeat, never taking a break from the act. Until we're offstage. Then we become ourselves. And the lines desert us and all that is left is the person and often that isn't very much at all because so much of the person falls away with the character. But the character is a mirage, a myth, a happy lie, and so too is the part of the personality that depends upon it.

And then we see them. That person. The one who walks boldly onto the stage at the wrong moment. He doesn't wait for his que. She doesn't dress in the appropriate costume. He doesn't simper for the audience. She doesn't follow the dictates of the director. They are themselves. They walk boldly onto the stage of life without and dare to be themselves when the spotlight falls on them. And the other players are in awe. Who could have written a more divine or inspired character than this, the self? Who could write a character so full of contradiction and conflict, so real and captivating?

And we're all shaken. All of us players. We stutter a little in the deliver of our lines. We glance nervously at one another, trying to understand why the script has changed. And we're envious. Because we wish that we had the courage to walk onto the stage without having to hide behind our costumes and lines. We wish that we didn't live in fear. But we do. We're terrified that people love the character we play, not the actor. We're afraid that if one day we walk onto the stage without our lines memorized and our expressions practiced, people will boo and laugh and criticize. We know that we just couldn't handle the rejection. We don't think we have the courage to be those people who come as they are instead of as they ought to be.

But we forget two important things. First, most others around us are players too. And it isn't in a players lines to criticize and laugh and judge. Players are too busy being worried about being criticized and laughed at and judge themselves. And second, those people on the stage. Not the characters, the people. Those ones we fear and admire in the same instant. They aren't real all the time. Sometimes they are players. But it's courage alone that allows them to remove their costumes.

This whole thought begs the question...are you a player?...or a person?...and can you live with that choice?

Katie

audblog audio post

Today

Today has been good. I spent two hours at Flagship this morning taking classes (Body Sculpt and Cardio Dance). Lol, I have absolutely no rythm or balance, but the class is energizing and fun so I think I'll go again. I bought a bunch of CDs and I got plently of sleep last night.

My dilemma of the moment...is job related and therefor inherently boring so I'll spare you the details...More intellectual thoughts some other time, but tonight I think I'll paint again...all for now, not very interesting, but hey we can't all be superstars...Katie

It's Me Against The World...and the world is winning...my song of the moment

Lyrics at...http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/freakyfriday/mevstheworld.htm

I Hate This

I am beyond words at the moment. Maybe this will help, but I doubt it. I know a lot of ppl who are leaving for college. Yeah, I'll miss them. But I have seven friends who are leaving that I'll miss more. Three of them are really special guys that I feel comfortable with, which is bizarre because, believe it or not, I don't feel comfortable around the vast majority of ppl my age. That's a whole different issue and I really, really don't want to think about it right now. So, I'll miss them and I hate wondering if we'll even keep in touch or if I'll see them again. That sucks. The other four are just good friends that I'll hate not being able to just call and talk to. I mean, technically I could call, but I know how it is when someone moves away, you have less in common, less to talk about and unless you really just like being with each other, you drift apart. I had friends where I used to live and Sarah's the only one that I've really kept in touch with and that's just because she's this amazing person who yells at me whenever I forget to talk to her for too long a period of time *thanks, sar*

These are ppl who I love and trust and I'm going to lose part of my security when they're gone. That sucks. I'm so amazingly sick and tired of being scared. I'm not a scared person, normally, it isn't in my nature. I don't freak out easily, I don't cry at sad movies, it's just not me. But I've been terrified for way too long of what ppl think of me. I smile and laugh and joke around and the entire time I'm wondering if whoever I'm with thinks I'm stupid, or boring, or ...it doesn't matter, something else that's negative. Which is just stupid. If you have to change yourself to be with someone, then they're not who you need to be with, right. Yeah, well, that isn't very comforting and I'm sick and tired of being terrified of who I am. I SEE MYSELF AS ALL THESE THINGS THAT I'M NOT...you can't be the person you want to be without working at it. People make it look so easy, like they just woke up one morning and knew who they were. Well, that's not likely. If that's what happened for you, I'm happy for you, while wishing you all kinds of trauma at the same time, sorry.

If you hate it when girls talk about how fat they think they are you should skip this paragraph. I hate it when girls talk about themselves like that, like maybe it'll get better if they tell someone, like they need so much outside reassurance that they look fine, they're beautiful, etc., when they must know that they're overweight or at least think they are or they wouldn't bring it up. But I'm going to be one of those girls for a minute...not because I need outside validation, which never hurt anyone, but I'd prefer it if ppl didn't lie to me to placate me. I know that I'm overweight. I've gained thirty freakin' pounds since I moved here. And I'm tired of it. I'm that whole classical, pathetic, type of person who eats "comfort foods" Yeah, well, that kind of sucks and I'm disgusted w/ myself for falling into that trap. There are so many other things you can do when you're depressed besides eat. I can paint, or rant and rave on here, or call a friend, or take a walk, or...anything. So, what? It says somewhere in the Bible that our bodies are temples and that we should keep them as we would want them to appear before God. As someone once said, some of us treat our bodies like something we've rented from Hertz. Well, I'm tired of feeling this way and looking this way, of being over conscious of how I look. I'm going to try to revamp my outlook, my attitude, and my habits all at once, but I've tried before and failed. What will make me successful this time? Frankly, I don't know. Before I've always just told myself that I'm going to succeed but that is a waste of time because I never did. It's like if you don't think about the outcome you want to avoid, it won't be real? Well, that's not true. So I'm going to try to be more health. I have no words to describe how horrible I feel about myself or how sick I am of feeling that way.

And if you're reading this, stop worrying. I don't always feel horrible about myself, just some of the time, but often enough that I'm fed up with it. It's not in my nature to let myself be depressed for some prolonged period of time. I'd like to think that I'm proactive at heart, but who really knows. I do feel much better for having gotten this stupid stuff out of my head and "out there" for whatever reason. It's like screaming into a room that echoes, there's just something therapeutic about it. I think that my friend are leaving is just making me more depressed, so I'm a little lower than usual. Man, now everyone's going to think that I'm like "fragile" or something, which I'm not. Whatever, I'm too emotionally tired to keep thinking right now. Katie