Confessions

Okay...sigh...I have a confession to make. I hate making confessions because you always wish you hadn't afterwards and you always wonder why the heck you did in the first place...well, it's the stupid kind of thing ppl do when they're in the kind of mood I'm in. I am looking forward and I want to get rid of the last of this thing that has been messing w/ my head. So here it is. Drumroll please...

There is no Cade Williams. He doesn't go to Edina, I didn't meet him in MC and he isn't going to school on the East coast. Those are all false. Okay, so now you're confused, right, or at least those of you who I've been talking to the past few days and who have been giving me advice. You're trying to figure out if everything I told you was bull or just this part of it. Well, just this part of it, actually. I did have a huge thing for a guy who just left for college, who I was good friends with this past year, who is amazing, who has no (I don't think) idea that I like him, and I was very upset that he was leaving. But he went to EP and I don't know how many of you knew him, so I really didn't want to say who he was. And, no, I don't usually make up boyfriends at other schools (that is so...unimaginative), but I already had this one left over from when I worked at McDonald's and all the spanish guys were hitting on me so I told them I had a bf to get them to lay off. Then, when all of you started asking me who this guy I was talking about was, I said Cade and it was way too easy.

So, there is my little secret. Not a secret anymore. Sorry I lied to you guys, but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. Luckily I am now. Or at least I'm thinking more clearly than I was then. This leads me to my next theory/question...

Okay, ppl always think, or at least I thought, that there were multiple kinds of love. You love your mother, father, family, etc. differently than you love your friends, who you love differently than you love your boyfriends. But now I'm not so sure that there isn't a greater common denominator involved than I thought. Ppl picture themselves falling in love, not falling out of it. The guy I've been talking about...I loved him as a friend before I loved him as more, and now I love him as a friend again, although it's definitely a different type of love...he's joined my list of "amazing guys that I count as friends." I love them a little more because when I loved them "romantically" I noticed everything that they did and saw so much of who they were and loved them for it and now that I just love them as friends again, I still think they're amazing, special, charismatic guys and some girl'll be lucky to have them some day, but it doesn't hurt me that they'll find someone else, which it would have when I like them. Anyway, so my question is this...how could it change so fast? I went from loving him, like it hurt when he talked about these other girls he liked, to loving him like a really special friend in a matter of days. How is that possible? I mean, it's possible I'm deluding myself w/ this whole friend thing, but I really don't think so. I'm looking forward to seeing other guys when school starts. I still think about him several times a day, but I want to smile, not cry. Argh, I didn't think I was one of those girls whose affections change daily...i'm not...flighty, enough for that, so I'm looking at the implications of that. I'm glad I'm "over" him, but I'm a little disgruntled/worried about what that says about me. Advice would be welcome...Katie

And Yet The World Turns

Okay, thankfully I'm not in my funk of last night any longer. I'm trying not to dwell on him. He crosses my mind and I give him a second, just to be like, man he was great and I hope he's doing well, but I don't feel depressed or want to cry or anything. I think seeing him for the last time and knowing that we were beyond the point of no return, that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the outcome of this situation, really helped me move on. As a friend said last night, the ifs aren't worth worrying about. And I'm not the kind of person to indulge the ifs and the self-pity that serve no real purpose. I'm glad I gave myself last night to be broken, because you have to know you are before you can start to heal, but I'm feeling great right now and I know I'll be able to move on.

I want to wish everyone luck on their first days of school (college or otherwise). That's really all for now, Katie

Sappy Quotes and Plans of Attack

*I knew I loved you from the start, you caught my eye, you broke my heart

*Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew

*Ill have another chance, Ill find another guy. Ill see another day and Ill build another world. Ill find another life, just like you told me to. Ill find another love, but there will never be another you.

*You hug him good-bye like its nothing, while all you want to do is hold on forever, but you let go, smile and walk away. Then cry all the way home cuz you know it will never be the same, because try as you might, you cant make someone love you, sometimes you have to let them be free, and letting go, that is when love hurts most of all.

*Just once I want to fall in love and not have it hurt so bad in the end

* "I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand, so now I leave without a sound except my heart shattering as it hits the ground... "...Melodramatic for my tastes, but it hits a nerve.

* You'll never know how much I miss you... you wont see it in my face... You'll never know that I'll never find another guy that could take your place... Cuz I'll be smiling when I see you... No, my tears won't ever show... I might always love you... But you're never gonna know.

Princess Sarah...I know our situations are different, and I imagine yours is more severe than mine, but here's my strategy, whether it will work or not I"ll have to let you know. I'm reveling in it, it's bittersweet but loving someone, no matter how much it hurts, has a sweet edge to it. Then I'm going to put it behind me. Once he leaves I'm going to try to move on. I'll see other guys, I'll hang out with other friends. And I won't think about trying to replace him...I'll just try not to think about him. Btw, don't tell anyone who he is please...even in your blog or in the comments on here...I think he reads this. Thanks...Princess Katie

Bittersweet

Hi all. I hate this time of year. I start thinking about the future, which promps thoughts about the past. I'm talking to Sarah, who is having man issues of her own. Some of my great guy friends are leaving/have left for college recently. I seem to be in transition. I can feel myself changing and I think it's in a good way...I'm becoming more of a whole person I think, but it also makes me think about the person I am now and concentrate of the things that are swirling around inside of me at the moment. And I've become very nostalgic over the past few days. What I've written below isn't meant to be poetry, because, frankly, I'd be a poor excuse for a poet, but when I was writing it, it just came out in lines, almost like lyrics, although several different songs were chasing one another around my head at the time, and I don't think it'd be the same if I tried to fill in all the gaps and write it in paragraphs. This is how it came out and it'd lose something, somehow, to change. It'd be less accurate.

Here I am
Looking backwards through time
To catch a glimpse of you
And to pretend
For a stolen moment
That it's the future I see
You and me
We never were all we could be
All we should have been
Is lost in the past
And my heart hurts at the thought
That you may never be mine
That the last time I saw you
Really was the last time
It was a double-edged sword
Wanting you, but not having you
Knowing that if I had you, I couldn't keep you
I didn't know which would be worse
And I thought that losing you all together might be easier
But it's so much worse
Missing your light in my life
Your laughter and smile
Missing the bittersweet pain of your friendship
Missing you
My heart's numb
And I'm torn
Between grief and denial
I think of you and try to smile
I try to be thankful that I was able to feel your warmth
For the little while that I did
I know I'll feel this way about someone else someday
I've felt this way before
But this time is different
It always is
And the pain is still there, like before
So I'm conflicted
I don't want another you
I want the original
So I sit here
And remember you
All the little things that were you and made me love you
And I can feel the tears behind my eyes
And the fist around my heart
And know that there will never
Be another like you
Not really
You'll always have a corner of my heart
All your own
I'll always feel it there
It's vacant now and hurts like hell
But I know that one day
The feelings will fade
And that corner will be filled
With all the good memories
And the memory of how I loved you
Will make me smile
And I'll be able to be happy
When I recall
Teh journey of loving you
Was worth the fall (yeah, i had to rhyme, sucks, i know)
Bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter
*******
Tears fall in my heart
But there's a smile on my face
I know you were never mine
Still it hurts so deep inside
Wishing I could change how things are
Knowing that you'll always be too far
Way beyond my reach
Always bittersweet
Guess you're not for me
But life feels incomplete
Without you
********
I have to remind myself that some birds weren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just to bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knew it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But your world is just that much colder and emptier that they're gone. I don't know... maybe I just miss my friend. --Stephen King, The Shawshank Redemption

Well, I'd say that's enough for the moment, don't you think? Katie

This That And The Other

Vehicular Profiling ~ Beware of ppl who drive new white SUVs...they drive like idiots. Beward of ppl who drive new white LEXUS SUVs...they're trophy wives, who drive while talking on cell phones and think that they can go as fast as they want and it doesn't matter because their lawyer husbands can get them out of whatever kind of mess they may make. Beware of ppl who drive Escalades...they're rapper wannabes who lobbied their representatives to pass the conceal and carry law. **disclaimer** If you fall into one of the above categories, seek help immediately. If you drive one of the above vehicles and somehow manage to avoid the sudden drop in IQ, found to be directly proportional to the drop in gas mileage, that driving one of these vehicles causes, you have my sincere apology and undying admiration.

I am switching jobs, for at least six weeks, we're going to do a trial run and see how scheduling works out and all that...so I'll only be taking a leave of absence form my current job while I see how things are going to pan out. I think that'll be great.

I have more guy friends than girl friends. I love them to death, but I'm starting to want aguy too. Guy friends are great, but I want someone closer than that. Ah well, doesn't everyone. I'm not the type to go looking for a boyfriend just for the sake of having one, so we'll see how things unfold with the new school year and all that. I'm excited, of course, to go back to school, but I'm sure that won't last too long.

I'll post something more intelligent later tonight, but at the moment I'm just hanging around my house being bored and that just isn't intellectually stimulating enough to spark enough intelligent thought for a good post. Later all, Katie


"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet