Hating People

I don't hate people. Well, not very many people anyway. I was talking to Sina the other day and concluded that it was definitely too much effort to hate people. Then I talked to some other people and they defined hate as someone you wouldn't rescue from a burning building. I guess that's different. There might be people that I wouldn't rescue, but I'd like to think there aren't. Then I wonder if deciding not to expend the energy to hate people might be the same thing as choosing not to have an opinion. It says something about you that you choose not to. What would you do if you could do anything? If you don't know then you should think about it. If you say, well I can't do anything I want so why should I think about it, does it say something about you as a person? I think it might. I mean, I'm not going to waste my energy hating people, but I might focus more on a having definitive opinoin. Choosing to respect the opinoins of others isn't the same as having one of your own. Sometimes I think I choose not to have an opinoin so that I can really respect the opnions of others. How bizarre is that? It's like, if I don't have an opinion then I won't be tempted to belittle someone else's.

Anyway, now Ryan and Andy are making me mad by trying to tell me how I should approach a writing career. I don't think so! Wow, I'm surprised that this really bothers me. I definitely have an opinoin. I want to kill them both right now. Oh well, of to be homicidal...Katie

I'm gonna smile because I want to make you happy
Laugh so that you won't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me, I'm gonna smile

My Bio

Hey all. I just get a livejournal simply for the purposes of being able to post comments on my friends' livejournals and I'm filling out my bio. I read one of my friends' and he had a friend write his bio. I think it's pretty cool. It's pretty funny, actually. So I'm going to copy him. Theoretically. If no one replies to this then I guess I'll just have to write my own, but that feels rather arrogant for some reason. You have to either lie and be really humble or you come off sounding arrogant. I don't think I have the skill for that perfect balance in btwn. Anyway, if you would be so kind to write a short bio (like 3-5 sentences or whatever, more if you want) of me (sheepish smile, this feels weird), I'll read them and pick one or a few to post or whatever. I'll probably put one in the spot where it says "I love cowboys and soccer players!" right now. I mean, I do love cowboys and soccer players but I'm hoping there's more to me than that. I guess I could just write "I'm green, " which would be perfectly descriptive but leave most ppl confuse. Whatever. You can post whatever you think of in the comments or email it to me at compulsivwriter6@airpost.net. Goodnight all, Katie

The Chaos Theory

I believe in chaos. Why would people want their lives to be a constant continuation of some endless routine? Who really wants to be able to say, "I'm always in control of my life. I know exactly what I'll be doing when. I have it all figured out."? Not me.

Right now I'm letting everything slide and waiting for the chaos to strike. Oh well. I'm really excited about tomorrow b/c we're starting a new bible study at Dunn Bros and it will be interesting to see how the dynamic w/in the group will develop. Last year when Paul and Jake and I started the bible study it turned out really differently than I had pictured but I loved it even more I think. B/c it feels like things are kind of shifting in that general sector I'm betting this years group/dynamic will be a surprise too but hopefully no less dear.

I think people are really really really different. I was talking to Sina tonight when we were taking Alexey to McD's and we were talking about being right. We, being greens, always think we're right. I can accept when ppl disagree w/ me. But I'd never thought about how other ppl must feel--the ones who don't always think they're right. I think it must be a different kind of insecurity. I mean, there are a few ppl that I feel like I might not always be right when I'm talking to, but in general I feel like I'm either right or at least what I was arguin made sense so it doesn't matter if it's not specifically right. What must it be like to think that other people must be right and you're wrong? I don't know. I mean, back to the whole insecurity thing. I'm insecure about my acne and my weight. Those are insecurities that I've always had and will probably always have. I know that insecurities can effect everything from who you hang out with to who you are, but I never conscidered before that people are insecure about their very thoughts before. I don't know where I'm going w/ this, but it seemed interesting when we were discussing it.

I think maybe I'm bipolar or something b/c I'm just randomly happy, excited, amused. It's definitely fun, but you have to wonder if there's some kind of chemical imbalance involved there! Lol, ttyl all...I'm actually going to work on my book! Go me! - Katie

I LOVE COUNTRY

Country songs are the way the world should be!
"Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I never count the costs
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile."

"Good little girls make some mighty wild women
They been savin' it up since the very beginin'
Fall in love, they wanna take it to the limit
Good little girls make some mightly wild women."

"You know nothin's gettin' done when talk is all you hear
Like someone revvin' up a truck never put in gear
But you don't see a cowboy run his mouth and strut around
He just takes the bull by the horns and throws him to the ground
Takin' care of business not just puttin' on a show
When it gets down to it, everybody knows

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work

You can talk about the farm or you can plow the ground
Argue with a rusty nail or hammer it on down
You can stand there in the dark cussin' at the night
Or you can just reach out your hand and turn on the light
There ain't no limit in this life to how far you can get
But if you're goin' all the way you gotta break a sweat

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work

I've heard thunder talkin' up a storm
Rattlin' my windows and knockin' on my door
But I've seen lightnin' blow a cypress tree in half
The thunder's busy talkin', and lightnin's kickin' ass!

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work."

More on Emotions

Just a comment. After having gone to XRoads this evening I've come to the conclusion that the thing that frustrates me about not being able to show my emotions very well or being able to let myself truly feel the negative emotions is two things. First that then the highs aren't as high b/c you never experience the low--that sounds pathetic, but I don't want to live life half way and sometimes it feels like I am. And second that if you can't let others know that you're feeling terrible they can't comfort you. The most alone feeling in the world has to be standing in a crowd of people who are mourning and to look uneffected but be dying inside. To have people think that you must be either unfeeling or just really really strong. To have no one realize that you may be the one in need of comfort the most.

It's easy to approach people who are crying b/c you KNOW that they need you. They need advice, comfort, something, sometimes even just your silent presence. But someone who isn't showing their grief is much harder to approach. There's this fear in ppls mind that the person is really just fine and then commit some kind of social error by trying to offer comfort and therein implying an emotional "weakness" that the person may not have. On the other hand the person who is emotional but not crying feels seperate and isolated and that resonates with the people who are around them and keeps them away. It's just depressing. Oh well, what can you do?

Subject for the future: A Heart That's Always True (from a country song I'm listening to right now...)

Crying

Today was the sendoff service for my pastor at church. And I felt really detached. And frustrated. I like Matt and Laura and they've been amazing to all of us Mosses, but I'm not an emotional person. And I'm starting to think that that may be a terrible thing to be. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. When I was a kid it was a point of pride that I didn't break down and cry over everything, that I had this kind of mature control of my emotions, but now I hate it. I literally can't make myself cry. When I do it's usually over something stupid like I'm angry and sleep deprived and PMSing all at the same time or something. Which is only like maybe once or twice a year. It's frustrating not to have that emotional release valvue b/c then you try not to get too emotional b/c if you do and you cna't express that it's really really frustrating. This morning when I was thinking about Matt and Laura leaving I wanted to feel something deeply. Even sadness. I feel like I only allow myself to be happy and the rest of the time I'm either subconsciously supressing a reaction to my emotions/the emotions themselves or I'm just some kind of sociopathic freak b/c I don't get emotional.

And what's w/ guys anyway? Not guys but how girls interact w/ them! The times when I'm really really low or whatever are always when I'm heartbroken so to speak and I hate that. Why should some guy rate higher on my emotional richter scale than one of my really good friends? I don't know, but it just occured to me that when I feel all heartbroken over a guy it's usually a sense of losing something that could have been amazing whereas losing a friend is like losing somehting that you have and that you'll always have. It's having a corner of your heart that's filled with memories and friendship and things instead of one that's empty save for ghosts of dreams of what might have been. Now all this makes it sound like I'm in one of these peroids of heartbreak right now, but I'm really not. I don't have any particualr guy that my world revolves around at the moment (Orlando Bloom doesn't count b/c we've never actually met, lol). I just think that this is really weird and I'm trying to sort it out but I'm having some trouble. Oh well, it's time to leave for church. A bemused blonde (lol, that is sooooo corny, I think I'll have to leave it.) Later all

Life Again

I feel...sedate. What a boring word that is. I'm sure this'll change soon, but for now I just feel really really settled. I'm taking care of school w/o any crisis. I'm taking care of Mock Trial the same way (aided by the fact that I have no real part, which is a double-edged sword). I love my friends. I think things are sort of shifting around in that sector, but we'll just have to wait and see. Work is fine. Life in general should and sort of is fine, but I feel like it's the calm before the storm.

This blog is going to run all over the place b/c I'm not feeling focusing on any one thing very much right now.

I just read Kyle's testimony and was amazed. What I'm about to say is going to sound like I'm not giving him enough credit, but that isn't true at all. I love Kyle. (Just to clarify that for all of you are going "WHAT?!"--I love Kyle...this is different from being IN love WITH Kyle). Anyway, I love Kyle. I love how easygoing he is and how easy it is to be around him. I love that he's funny and he makes peolple feel good about themselves. But I don't think that's who he is. I mean, I think it's part of who he is, but I think there's definitely another Kyle that I for one do not really know. When I read his testimony I was blown away. Not b/c it's so out of the ordinary as far as how he became/was raised as a Christian but b/c there was a depth that shone through it that surprised me. Then I got to the end and how he is changing his life and the lives of others by deciding to live for his faith. Wow. See, I don't think that Kyle is incapable of that kind of depth. On the contrary I think he's one of the good guys and it's not that I can't see him thinking like that, but that I don't see him as the type who takes the time out to think like that. Anyway, I'm just saying that if reading that left this much of an impact on me, I can't imagine how it must effect others. Read Kyle's testimony (I hope he doesn't care that I put this address here!) at http://www.xprofile.net/view.php?rn=GodBless_compulsiv&user2=172797&cmd=sub&num=914762. I'm sure there's a more direct address for that but I don't want to take the time to figure it out.

Anyway, I just got distracted and forgot what else I was going to talk about so I guess I'll say bye. I have to be at church in a while anyway. Love ya'll.