Crying

Today was the sendoff service for my pastor at church. And I felt really detached. And frustrated. I like Matt and Laura and they've been amazing to all of us Mosses, but I'm not an emotional person. And I'm starting to think that that may be a terrible thing to be. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. When I was a kid it was a point of pride that I didn't break down and cry over everything, that I had this kind of mature control of my emotions, but now I hate it. I literally can't make myself cry. When I do it's usually over something stupid like I'm angry and sleep deprived and PMSing all at the same time or something. Which is only like maybe once or twice a year. It's frustrating not to have that emotional release valvue b/c then you try not to get too emotional b/c if you do and you cna't express that it's really really frustrating. This morning when I was thinking about Matt and Laura leaving I wanted to feel something deeply. Even sadness. I feel like I only allow myself to be happy and the rest of the time I'm either subconsciously supressing a reaction to my emotions/the emotions themselves or I'm just some kind of sociopathic freak b/c I don't get emotional.

And what's w/ guys anyway? Not guys but how girls interact w/ them! The times when I'm really really low or whatever are always when I'm heartbroken so to speak and I hate that. Why should some guy rate higher on my emotional richter scale than one of my really good friends? I don't know, but it just occured to me that when I feel all heartbroken over a guy it's usually a sense of losing something that could have been amazing whereas losing a friend is like losing somehting that you have and that you'll always have. It's having a corner of your heart that's filled with memories and friendship and things instead of one that's empty save for ghosts of dreams of what might have been. Now all this makes it sound like I'm in one of these peroids of heartbreak right now, but I'm really not. I don't have any particualr guy that my world revolves around at the moment (Orlando Bloom doesn't count b/c we've never actually met, lol). I just think that this is really weird and I'm trying to sort it out but I'm having some trouble. Oh well, it's time to leave for church. A bemused blonde (lol, that is sooooo corny, I think I'll have to leave it.) Later all