Bittersweet

Hi all. I hate this time of year. I start thinking about the future, which promps thoughts about the past. I'm talking to Sarah, who is having man issues of her own. Some of my great guy friends are leaving/have left for college recently. I seem to be in transition. I can feel myself changing and I think it's in a good way...I'm becoming more of a whole person I think, but it also makes me think about the person I am now and concentrate of the things that are swirling around inside of me at the moment. And I've become very nostalgic over the past few days. What I've written below isn't meant to be poetry, because, frankly, I'd be a poor excuse for a poet, but when I was writing it, it just came out in lines, almost like lyrics, although several different songs were chasing one another around my head at the time, and I don't think it'd be the same if I tried to fill in all the gaps and write it in paragraphs. This is how it came out and it'd lose something, somehow, to change. It'd be less accurate.

Here I am
Looking backwards through time
To catch a glimpse of you
And to pretend
For a stolen moment
That it's the future I see
You and me
We never were all we could be
All we should have been
Is lost in the past
And my heart hurts at the thought
That you may never be mine
That the last time I saw you
Really was the last time
It was a double-edged sword
Wanting you, but not having you
Knowing that if I had you, I couldn't keep you
I didn't know which would be worse
And I thought that losing you all together might be easier
But it's so much worse
Missing your light in my life
Your laughter and smile
Missing the bittersweet pain of your friendship
Missing you
My heart's numb
And I'm torn
Between grief and denial
I think of you and try to smile
I try to be thankful that I was able to feel your warmth
For the little while that I did
I know I'll feel this way about someone else someday
I've felt this way before
But this time is different
It always is
And the pain is still there, like before
So I'm conflicted
I don't want another you
I want the original
So I sit here
And remember you
All the little things that were you and made me love you
And I can feel the tears behind my eyes
And the fist around my heart
And know that there will never
Be another like you
Not really
You'll always have a corner of my heart
All your own
I'll always feel it there
It's vacant now and hurts like hell
But I know that one day
The feelings will fade
And that corner will be filled
With all the good memories
And the memory of how I loved you
Will make me smile
And I'll be able to be happy
When I recall
Teh journey of loving you
Was worth the fall (yeah, i had to rhyme, sucks, i know)
Bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter
*******
Tears fall in my heart
But there's a smile on my face
I know you were never mine
Still it hurts so deep inside
Wishing I could change how things are
Knowing that you'll always be too far
Way beyond my reach
Always bittersweet
Guess you're not for me
But life feels incomplete
Without you
********
I have to remind myself that some birds weren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just to bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knew it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But your world is just that much colder and emptier that they're gone. I don't know... maybe I just miss my friend. --Stephen King, The Shawshank Redemption

Well, I'd say that's enough for the moment, don't you think? Katie