I Hate This

I am beyond words at the moment. Maybe this will help, but I doubt it. I know a lot of ppl who are leaving for college. Yeah, I'll miss them. But I have seven friends who are leaving that I'll miss more. Three of them are really special guys that I feel comfortable with, which is bizarre because, believe it or not, I don't feel comfortable around the vast majority of ppl my age. That's a whole different issue and I really, really don't want to think about it right now. So, I'll miss them and I hate wondering if we'll even keep in touch or if I'll see them again. That sucks. The other four are just good friends that I'll hate not being able to just call and talk to. I mean, technically I could call, but I know how it is when someone moves away, you have less in common, less to talk about and unless you really just like being with each other, you drift apart. I had friends where I used to live and Sarah's the only one that I've really kept in touch with and that's just because she's this amazing person who yells at me whenever I forget to talk to her for too long a period of time *thanks, sar*

These are ppl who I love and trust and I'm going to lose part of my security when they're gone. That sucks. I'm so amazingly sick and tired of being scared. I'm not a scared person, normally, it isn't in my nature. I don't freak out easily, I don't cry at sad movies, it's just not me. But I've been terrified for way too long of what ppl think of me. I smile and laugh and joke around and the entire time I'm wondering if whoever I'm with thinks I'm stupid, or boring, or ...it doesn't matter, something else that's negative. Which is just stupid. If you have to change yourself to be with someone, then they're not who you need to be with, right. Yeah, well, that isn't very comforting and I'm sick and tired of being terrified of who I am. I SEE MYSELF AS ALL THESE THINGS THAT I'M NOT...you can't be the person you want to be without working at it. People make it look so easy, like they just woke up one morning and knew who they were. Well, that's not likely. If that's what happened for you, I'm happy for you, while wishing you all kinds of trauma at the same time, sorry.

If you hate it when girls talk about how fat they think they are you should skip this paragraph. I hate it when girls talk about themselves like that, like maybe it'll get better if they tell someone, like they need so much outside reassurance that they look fine, they're beautiful, etc., when they must know that they're overweight or at least think they are or they wouldn't bring it up. But I'm going to be one of those girls for a minute...not because I need outside validation, which never hurt anyone, but I'd prefer it if ppl didn't lie to me to placate me. I know that I'm overweight. I've gained thirty freakin' pounds since I moved here. And I'm tired of it. I'm that whole classical, pathetic, type of person who eats "comfort foods" Yeah, well, that kind of sucks and I'm disgusted w/ myself for falling into that trap. There are so many other things you can do when you're depressed besides eat. I can paint, or rant and rave on here, or call a friend, or take a walk, or...anything. So, what? It says somewhere in the Bible that our bodies are temples and that we should keep them as we would want them to appear before God. As someone once said, some of us treat our bodies like something we've rented from Hertz. Well, I'm tired of feeling this way and looking this way, of being over conscious of how I look. I'm going to try to revamp my outlook, my attitude, and my habits all at once, but I've tried before and failed. What will make me successful this time? Frankly, I don't know. Before I've always just told myself that I'm going to succeed but that is a waste of time because I never did. It's like if you don't think about the outcome you want to avoid, it won't be real? Well, that's not true. So I'm going to try to be more health. I have no words to describe how horrible I feel about myself or how sick I am of feeling that way.

And if you're reading this, stop worrying. I don't always feel horrible about myself, just some of the time, but often enough that I'm fed up with it. It's not in my nature to let myself be depressed for some prolonged period of time. I'd like to think that I'm proactive at heart, but who really knows. I do feel much better for having gotten this stupid stuff out of my head and "out there" for whatever reason. It's like screaming into a room that echoes, there's just something therapeutic about it. I think that my friend are leaving is just making me more depressed, so I'm a little lower than usual. Man, now everyone's going to think that I'm like "fragile" or something, which I'm not. Whatever, I'm too emotionally tired to keep thinking right now. Katie