Prayer

I'm a Christian. I've been one my entire life. In my family it's like being born white, upper middle class, blonde hair and blue eyes. You just are. I started to have a person sense of faith beyond what I'd been taught when I was about twelveish, I think. Since then I've come to claim Christianity as my own...to understand what it really means to be a Christian. I've formed attachments within my church and felt the awesome power of the Holy Spirit fill a room of believers. I've seen how fellowship with a group of believers can change a persons life. I have a great relationship with my church. But I have a more shallow relationship with God. I've always seen God as a sort of benevolent Father figure, Jesus as an equally benevolent friend, and the Holy Spirit as that great feeling I get when I'm singing praise, studying the Word, or just being with a group of believers. I've always seen God as someone to be called upon, who just sort of checks in on how my life is going every once in a while.

I had something of an epiphany this morning during church. I've always been a person who raises her head when she prays silently or when she sings praise. I've always felt that when you're speaking to the Lord, you should be glad you have the freedom to do so and raise your face towards the sky. Why would you pray to God, with your face pointed towards your feet? Well, this is from someone who does not have a strong prayer life. I realized that today was the first time in a very very very long time that I have ever been truly repentant before God for a sin. That I have felt in my heart and prayed silently about something that I had done/thought that was wrong in the eyes of God. Any my head was bowed. I felt humbled before God. I've been humbled by the amazing power of God before, but this was different. This was me feeling unworthy to look upon the face of God without God's grace and forgiveness.

I realized then that I spoke to God in prayer as I would speak to a friend. I didn't usually tell him the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart, and if I did, it was when I was praying for an answer or a certain outcome to a situation I was dealing with, it wasn't to confess. And you know what, I feel like a whole new connection between myself and the Lord has been forged.

My heart aches because I realize what I was missing in keeping God at armslength and I feel elated and humbled and...I feel peace. I feel stronger within myself because God is on the inside of me looking out instead of the outside looking in. I asked Jesus to come into my heart a long time ago, but I've kept him locked in one little corner before and I realize that now.

I'm not going to pretend that all of a sudden I have a perfect relationship with God, but I certainly have a deeper one and I can't wait to explore the implications of that. If you don't know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you're missing out on something truly worthwhile. I encourage you to seek God out, because you'll be amazed at the ways he can change your life.

God Bless, -Katie